Let's Rip this Bandaid Off, Shall We?

I am getting divorced.

This is the time to share this news. The time is fast approaching when everything will be legally official, but also at Annual Conference a couple weeks ago there were plenty of whispers. And unlike my move last year, when there was good reason for us to be living apart (Soren needed to stay in place and graduate high school), there is no good reason this year to explain why I am moving to Bentonville alone. I also want to be honest about where I am as I head into this new appointment, wanting to be as transparent about my life as I can be. I hope the people in Bentonville will understand that this kind of openness and authenticity is a hallmark of my ministry.

That being said, I cannot and should not share the specific details of why my marriage has come apart out of respect for Trav and because part of this story is also not mine to share. Still, I think it is important to share some of what happened, in part because people who know us both regularly assume that it was our differing political views that did us in. I know that can be a very divisive place for people these days. However, politics for me has never overcome love, nor has it been a reason to stop living with someone.  I love my parishioners of all kinds and beliefs. Of course I would extend the same to my husband!  No, it would take something far more catastrophic to cause me to have to end a covenant. And that is the story I will share in part with you now.

In December of 2018, I was sexually assaulted by someone who was close to both myself and Trav. In the immediate aftermath of that trauma, I did what I do in emergency situations: damage control. I got the situation managed. Neutralized the threat as much as I could. Righted the ship. Held everything together. That’s what I do in crises. Get things back in order. Make everything return to “normal” as fast as I possibly can.  I could do this. After all, I had survived a similar attack in high school. I did it then, I could do it now. Right?

Wrong.

In all that “getting things under control” work that I was doing, in all that trying to make things seem like they were fine, I neglected to take care of me. It seems like the obvious thing that would need to happen, but like so many of us who are in this life of pastoral ministry, we become very accustomed to taking care of other people, often at the cost of ourselves. I was so worried about recovery of the situation I neglected to see I was the one who most needed the recovery. I had been severely traumatized. So even if I made my life seem normal, I was not. My brain, my heart, my soul were all in turmoil. And in the course of not dealing with that turmoil, my brain went to work rewiring itself. It is the way the brain sometimes deals with trauma – makes new pathways to hide pain, but then it comes flying out in weird and often unpredictable ways.

To my husband, however, everything looked like it was back on track.  With everything back on track, there were assumptions that things could go on as they always had. Including assumptions about intimate encounters. However, it turns out those were anything but safe. And the thing about trauma, particularly untreated trauma, is that once it is triggered, it creates more trauma. Our lives became a minefield, and we were hitting mines right and left, each one feeling like it was taking another part of me and blowing it to smithereens.  All in the course of normal marital expectations and realities.

It would take almost a year, and too many landmines, for me to realize what needed to be done. I needed help.

Once I came to that realization, I got on the path not only to damage control but to damage repair, which is where I should have started all along. I went into counseling. I also realized I needed a net to catch me. So I took a chance and shared with a few of my colleagues what was really going on. I begged them for total confidentiality but also told them I needed them on high alert. If I was in trouble, I would send out a cry for help, and I needed them to respond.  And they, to my knowledge, all honored the confidentiality (and I assume will continue to do so), and they definitely came to my rescue more than once. I was never left alone, not even on the very darkest of days, because I did cry out, and they did respond.  And I am ever and for always grateful to them. And I hope that my story encourages more of us to be there for more of us. 

And I also knew, since I was facing a new appointment in 2020, that I needed to be honest about my own capacity to run a church. So I shared with our Bishop what was going on, and asked not to be put in charge of a church and to be given time to do the work I needed to do to get well.  So I am ever grateful to Bishop Mueller for assigning me as an Associate Pastor to Conway, as I had asked to be an Associate, and I am grateful to Conway and to Michael Roberts for receiving me, even though it turns out I am a pretty terrible Associate – too many strong ideas of my own these days.

And then I was also given a strange gift – a pandemic. I would give anything in the world for the suffering and death that people experienced this past year to be wiped away. But in the midst of such nationwide and worldwide trauma and tragedy, not only was I given cover so that my own trauma did not stand out, but also pastoral care got extremely curtailed. For a YEAR! The result was that I was given space to take care of me instead. What a weird thing to happen! So I took it. I took the gift of time and space. My therapist and I did a deep dive into trauma recovery therapy. There is still more work to do there, because there are layers and layers to work through. But I am so much stronger. So much healthier. So much more assured of who I am, what I need, and how I can serve and love others.

But there is a sad truth in the midst of all of this recovery. Those landmines my husband and I stepped on? There was no getting past that damage. And yes, we tried marriage counseling, but that was simply confirmation of how damaged our relationship had become. There was a monumental shift in our relationship, and really we were both victims of my attack. When I was assaulted, I was fundamentally changed, especially when it comes to needs and expectations of intimate relationships. Trav did not experience that same change, though he was also traumatized by the effects of what happened to his wife. When it comes to intimacy, I need someone who can see with a momentary flash across my face that everything needs to come to an immediate halt. Many of you have described Trav as a real life Mr. Spock from Star Trek. He has an incredible mind, but one that drives off of logic. Emotional spaces are not his strong suit. That is not a fault, it is simply who he is. For me to ask him to be different is to try to inflict a violence on him not unlike what happened to me. It is to ask him to change into another person. I love him too much to ask that of him. I love him, but I can no longer live with him. Neither of us will be happy in that space anymore. And neither of us can serve and live as the people God calls us to be in that covenant anymore.  It is tragic. But it is also reality. We can try to live in a fantasy that is no longer possible, or we can let go and both have a chance at living beyond the trauma we experienced. We are choosing the latter.

I have no regrets about my marriage. I am grateful too to Trav for stepping in as a single parent in the year I had to pull back and focus on my health and recovery. My husband is a good man. I will pray for his own continued health and recovery.

As for me, I am fully ready to serve God and God’s people again. When the Bishop called to send me to Bentonville, he checked in to make sure I was ready. I am. I am confident in the future that lies before me and before the people of Bentonville, because as followers of Jesus Christ we are the people of hope and resurrection.  We are going to have so much fun together as we transform the world to know the healing and loving reality of Christ.  I can’t wait until July 1 when I can begin officially walking alongside all of you and navigating together all the life that is before us!

If there is one thing the journey of the last three years has taught me, it has taught me that I know me and I know now what I need and what I can do. I am grateful and excited for the opportunity before me. And I am so profoundly thankful for all the people who have carried me to this point to get here. I hope you all know how much you mean to me.

And now with the days ahead of me, I can only think of the very first Bible verse I memorized on my own:

 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

Peace be with you, my friends. May the strength of Christ carry you through life too.  Love to you all….