Coping with Change
Look! I’m doing a new thing;
now it sprouts up; don’t you recognize it?
I’m making a way in the desert,
paths in the wilderness. (Isaiah 43:19, CEB translation)
Well, I got a bit behind there due to a very unpredictable week, but technically it is still next week from the vantage point of last week, so as promised, here are the ways we cope with culture shock. (To see what led us here, click here).
Just as there are 5 H’s of culture shock (Honeymoon, Homesickness, Hostility, Humor, Home(less)), there are also what I like to call the 5 Vowels of Coping. As you face any kind of change in your life, be it a very weird pastoral transition like we face this year, or really any significant life altering event, these means of coping will help you make it through. Also, you may think that these are pretty obvious, and they are, but it helps to pull them altogether and remind us how we successfully navigate change as a whole.
The 5 Vowels of Coping with Change:
Awareness – When I was growing up, there was a G. I. Joe cartoon. As was vogue in the 1980’s, in addition to the main story in your cartoon, you got a little vignette with a lesson. You know, like some kids would be playing in a construction site, and the Joes would show up and talk about how dangerous that is. Then the kids would say, “Well, now we know!” and the Joes would respond, “And knowing is half the battle!” So it goes with culture shock: knowing is half the battle. If you know you are going to go through all the stages, then you don’t feel like such a failure, or like something is wrong. And you can also address the stage you are in as you have need. This is especially important for the hostility stage, which can be disastrous if you don’t recognize it and properly channel it. Without that understanding, you may blow up at people in ways you deeply regret later. A pastor I know had a screaming match with a parishioner in about the sixth week of a new appointment, right after worship. Both the pastor and the parishioner were likely in the hostility stage of pastoral change, but the resulting fight was still damaging the congregation six years later! So be aware that you are going to go through all the stages! Give yourself some grace about that. But also use the next 4 steps to manage it as well.
Education – Learning as much as you can about the change before you can be very helpful. Education can include research like learning statistics, reading books, studying histories, or reviewing statistical data. This is why in pastoral transitions, it is actually helpful to go through archives. It is also helpful to look at the last couple years of meeting notes and financial statements. It is helpful to sit down with the longtime saints of a church and let them narrate the history. You need to better understand the field before you. That being said, such education pieces are always limited by perspective. For instance, when my son was born, I carried him in one arm and the book What to Expect the First Year in my other arm for about the first three months of my child’s life. But at about month three, when I had the basic skills of keeping a child alive down, I realized that the book had never met my child, and so it had reached the limits of its usefulness. All pieces of education are limited by the time, place, and person pulling them together. Take them with a grain of salt.
(Cultural) Informant – The cultural informant. Absolutely a critical person to help you navigate change. In churches, this is the person who knows where the bodies are buried. Oftentimes, that is the church administrator, though not always. Hopefully, as you are arriving, the pastor you are following is serving this role to some extent, but you also need someone who is staying in place in this role. The most important thing about this relationship is that it has to be a relationship of trust and honesty, which is tricky to discern straight out of the gate. The reason you need trust and honesty is that you need to be able to ask this person blunt questions, and that person needs to be able to respond bluntly. However, you also both need to understand that this is important for you to process and adjust to this change so that you can move forward. It means that your questions may sound, and even be, judgmental. The informant needs to take that as impersonally as possible, or to at least feel safe sharing with you why s/he is taking it personally (because that often reveals volumes about the culture too), all in the name of helping you navigate the change. For my students in study abroad, I would say, “These are the people you need to be able to say, ‘I don’t understand why you do X. It seems very weird to me,’ and you trust that they will not get incredibly offended, but will give you the insight you need.” An in ministry, then that person needs to keep that conversation between you, because others can easily misunderstand the purpose. Also, like with education, just be aware that you are just getting one person’s perspective. Perhaps a very wise perspective. But not the whole picture for certain.
Others like you – It is absolutely critical that you find other people like yourself going through the same thing. For this year, as weird as these pastoral transitions are, we definitely need each other. We need to be able to celebrate what is wonderful, as well as to celebrate what is painful and broken. The reason support groups work is that you have a community of support who understands you. No matter what change you are going through, walking alongside people makes the journey much easier. The only caution I give is that if you all hit the hostility stage together, you can accidentally perpetuate it. Anger feeds anger. You need someone to break the cycle. If you find yourself in a group that is content to stay in hostility, find another group.
Unique to you – This is not your first rodeo. You have been through change before. Some changes you probably navigated remarkably well. What did you do to navigate change well in the past? Did you have a therapist? Did you make time to spend with family? Did you journal? Did you paint? Did you keep a focused exercise routine? Did you go out in the wilderness and scream at the top of your lungs? Probably you did a combination of things. Reflect on those now as you face this change, and commit to doing at least a couple of those things intentionally. And if you find that they are not working this time, then take the time to reflect on why, and try something else. You have strength within you. You are also strengthened by Christ. Lean into that strength. You are more resilient than you think you are.
The passage from Isaiah above is a passage of hope, as the Israelites see that they may get to return home from the exile. They are on their way home. So are you. God stands ready to make that journey as clear as possible. Knowing what we can do to help in that journey makes a huge difference too. You do not walk alone through this change, my brothers and sisters. We have each other. We have people waiting to help us. And we have God who walks alongside us and gives us strength. Thanks be to God!
